An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.