I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Men are as faithful as their options.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.