We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.