When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Men are as faithful as their options.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.