Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.