There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.