A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.