I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.