If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.