A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.