May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I'm single because I was born that way.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.