Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.