War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Women are made to be loved not understood.