Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.