A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.