I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I'm single because I was born that way.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?