Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.