I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.