You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.