If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.