Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.