I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.