To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.