Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?