To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.