I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.