Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.