I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.