I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

No good deed goes unpunished.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.