When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.