I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.