He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.