There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.