Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.