I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.