A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.