I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?