I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.