An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.