Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.