[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.