When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.