I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.