You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money