No good deed goes unpunished.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.