A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I'm single because I was born that way.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.