When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.