Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.