If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I drink to make other people more interesting.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.