I'm single because I was born that way.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.