Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion