The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?