If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.