When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.