A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.