Women are made to be loved not understood.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.