If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.