Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.