I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity