It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.