What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.