In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.