All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
No good deed goes unpunished.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Women are made to be loved not understood.