Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
No good deed goes unpunished.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.