I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.