What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.