Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.