Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.