If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.