A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.