There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?