I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?