When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.