If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.