Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.