Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.