Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Men are as faithful as their options.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.