Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.