I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.