A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.