One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.