Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

No good deed goes unpunished.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.