As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.