It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.