Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.