I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.