I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.