If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.