If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

No good deed goes unpunished.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.