I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity