The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.