When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.