I will not join any club who will take me as a member
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.