I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.