May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion