Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.