I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.