May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion