A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.