Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Men are as faithful as their options.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.