Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

No good deed goes unpunished.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.