There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.