Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.