But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.