I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.