You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.