I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.