I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I'm single because I was born that way.