I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.