I will not join any club who will take me as a member
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.