Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.