Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.