You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?