If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.