A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.