Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.