If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.