Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.