I drink to make other people more interesting.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.