It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.