I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.