A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.