The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.