What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.