I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Men are as faithful as their options.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.