I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.