I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.