If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.