Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.