A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.