If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down