I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.