He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I'm single because I was born that way.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Women are made to be loved not understood.