There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.