You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.