I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.