You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.