Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.