I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.