The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!