Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.